The Apprentice: John McCain
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
In the spirit of Donald Trump’s and Martha Stewart’s highly acclaimed Apprentice television reality shows, Arizona Watch is proud to announce a Jack Benway production.
THE APPRENTICE: JOHN MCCAIN
A group of 11 young and naive Senate junior staffers compete against each other for the respect and affection of Arizona Senator John McCain. The winning contestant will become John McCain’s running mate for the 2008 Presidential election.
Episode 1: Building character
Contestants will be imprisoned, starved, tortured and humiliated for 1 week in order to build character and arouse the sympathy of the viewers. Particularly attractive contestants will be placed in sexually suggestive and humiliating situations, while ugly contestants will simply be beaten. The contestant who either quits or complains the most is eliminated. This episode includes special guest, Leash Girl Lindie England
Episode 2: Demonstrating loyalty
Each contestant must acquire as many persccription pharmaceuticals, preferably sleeping pills, pain killers, tranquilizers, or diet pills, for use by John McCain’s wife, Cindy McCain, without being caught or being linked to the McCains. The contestant who is either arrested or obtains the fewest “Cindy Snacks” is eliminated.
Episode 3: Any press is good press
Contestants must have their names mentioned in either the USA Today or New York Times as many times as possible for any reason during a week-long period. Special consideration will be given to those contestants whose mention is linked in some way to global warming, or in the same sentence as either the word “reform” or “maverick.” The contestant with the fewest name appearances is eliminated.
Episode 4: Make your own spotlight
Contestants have 48 hours to design and build their own self-portable, self-contained, battery operated spotlight. After the 48 hour building period, contestants must stay within the beam of their own spotlight as much as possible for a 72 hour period. The contestant with the shortest period in spotlight is eliminated. Special consideration will be given to contestants with spotlights powered by solar, wind, or hydrogen fuel cell technology.
Episode 5: Extend your reach
Contestants must manufacture a drug scandal plaguing some professional sport, and then publicly condemn it. No two contestants can create a scandal for the same sport. The contestant creating the scandal in the least popular sport is eliminated.
Episode 6: Use your friends
Contestants must use, defame, anger, and otherwise treat poorly their friends and family to the greatest extent possible without turning these friends and family against the contestant. The contestant able to derive the least benefit from using his or her friends is eliminated.
Episode 7: Operation Hollywood
Contestants must arrange to appear in a bit part or cameo role in either a network television show or major motion picture release. The contestant appearing in the show or movie reaching the fewest viewers is eliminated.
Episode 8: Coalition Building
Contestants must determine a social or political cause that they wish to champion. They must then create a coalition of the most disparate groups and individuals to support their cause. Contestants are led to believe that they will be judged on the number of supporters for their cause, but actually, they will be judged on the degree to which they have gotten their supporters to compromise their own ideals and beliefs in return for favors.
Episode 9: Katie Couric Interview
Each contestant will be interviewed for 10 minutes by Katie Couric. The contestant who is least able to manipulate the interview away from actual issues and opinions is eliminated. Special guest, Katie Couric.
Episode 10: The Final Debate
The two final contestants must engage in a 30 minute debate moderated by PBS Newsman Jim Lehrer and viewed by John McCain. Contestants assume that John McCain will be picking the winner based on the results of this debate; however, in a special twist, the winner will be determined by a Gallup/USA Today poll of likely voters. Special guest, Andy Griffith as Jim Lehrer.